Mothering is Not about the Outcome but about the Connection
Adding a fourth child to our family has been wonderful and terrible all at the same time. I could talk forever about the wonderful part, I’m sure you could assume you would know what I would say. It’s the terrible part that is intriguing, am I right?
Well let me clear it is not the baby(she truly is just the sweetest little thing) but the dynamic that has impacted this shift. My youngest son's behavior really has plummeted.
He has become belligerent and explosive. In a constant state of reaction.
This has brought me to question everything I am doing as a mother. I find myself constantly wondering what I should do differently, how I interact with him, thinking that I haven’t done enough. I myself have been incredibly frustrated and irritated and feeling absolutely NO connection with him. I’m just annoyed and then feel guilty like I SHOULD be more kind, compassionate, loving. But I think that because I’m still so focused on thinking that my behavior determines his outcome. Relationships and mothering is not about the outcome but about the connection. I want to have powerful connections with my children, I care less and less about worrying about how they are going to turn out and more about how I feel about them.
Culturally we look at “proof or concept” we want to see the outcome of children’s behavior, and then follow it back to the parents parenting.
What if that didn’t matter?
What if you stopped comparing yourself to others and instead created something amazing in your relationships with your children.
Because guess what I have ZERO (okay maybe that’s a little extreme) but I don’t determine my children’s behavior, they do. They are real little humans, with their own personalities, and abilities to choose for themselves how they want to behave.
But I see that we feel this shame and guilt thinking that we are doing it wrong, we SHOULD be spending time with our kids, we should be creating discipline structures, we should be encouraging this that and the other and by creating that pressured narrative we are creating less opportunities of creating connections.
We are so concerned with what we SHOULD be doing that there is no room left for knowing and understanding and loving that child right where they are.
My desire to control the outcomes has trumped my desire to connect.
And it sucks.
So what can we do instead, here it is.
Throw out all the manuals you’ve written for yourself. Stop looking and comparing yourself to others (yes, even those sitcom made up families and marriages -I’m talking to you Virgin River and This Is Us fans!)
What if you had all the parenting & marriage books inside of you.
2. Cut down the outside brain chatter and actually listen to your own intuition, you already know the best way to parent and show up in your marriage.
So throw out the manuals, listen to yourself and lastly…
3. Let love and compassion lead you.
I know when I feel angry, frustrated, or insecure it is because I’m not tuning into my own intuition and beliefs. I am letting culture pressures and comparisons dictate my emotions. When I feel pure and utter love for myself and my children, THAT is when I am mothering in my true authentic space. And it feels incredible. It doesn’t mean that I know exactly what to do, but it means that I trust myself enough to test something out, make shifts and keep on keeping on, with love at my core.
THIS^^^ is when love and connection with our children can thrive. This space is where we feel relaxed, confident and connected and all else falls by the wayside…. Phew. It’s possible for you too.
