The Threats to Relationships
It is my lifes work to study relationships, family dynamics and the threats and dangers that disconnect us AND the strong powerful connections and how they are made.
I have been thinking a lot lately how in every relationship I’ve had there was always a “thing”.
Yes, a thing. Some thing that created struggle, challenge, jealousy and frustration.
Sometimes it was jealousy from an ex-girlfriend I had to overcome.
Or a concern that they were drinking too much.
Or prioritized (in my mind) things ahead of me. Such as work, sports, or obligations.
Those were my experiences as a young adult, and even in my adult married age sometimes I find myself in that same space.
The past, us women always like to bring up the past. Because there is an underlying fear that something that happened in the past will happen again. Therefore we can’t relax, enjoy the here or now, because there is some threat that the past will repeat itself.
I was talking to my husband about it the other night, how I realized in every relationship I always had this “villain” that played a role in my relationship story. There was always this ex-girlfriend, or a girl I was just convinced my partner ACTUALLY wanted, and they settled for me. Or a girl at work, that was going to steal my guy from me.
And just made me green with jealousy.
And he said, something simple and profound (as he always does). He said “opposition”.
Yes, opposition! Because I love soooooo fiercely and deeply. When I am in a relationship I’m fully submerged, I open myself up to all, I am vulnerable, and love so so deeply. That naturally there has to be opposition.
Ellie Wiesel, prolific writer and HOlocaust survivor famously said, “The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.” If you have ever had a lover who didn’t call, a partner who ignored or rebuked your physichal advances or a parent who neglected you, you know this is true. To be unseen is to be invisible. (Article The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.)
The “thing”, that one painful story you write, or problem that you struggle with your partner about today IS exposing this idea that they don’t value you, that you don’t matter.
Which is one of the two MAIN problems in marriages. That you aren’t valuable and that you did something wrong or that you are wrong.
It can be devastating thinking that the person that you have shown oh so much love, could not care about you. THAT is the pain, anguish and grief that we experience because of this “thing or problem”. It is at the root of every single problem of any relationship or marriage.
That is the work that we do together, that is the reason we are here on earth. To understand our deep infinite value, and through relationships, challenges and experiences we can depeen our understanding and therefore create MORE passion, purpose, and connection in our relationships.
