My Desire To Control

My desire to control is my way to create a false sense of safety. If I am in control then I have some say for how I feel. 

But what’s scary is when I don’t feel in control, I feel fear. And alot of it. 

The other night at dinner, do I need to remind you I have four kids, three boys and one newborn baby? 

Okay, after I painted that picture, let me go on. The other night at dinner, all three boys were talking, well yelling, and laughing uncontrollably at dinner, the baby was crying and ironically enough the dog was howling. 

I told the boys, “knock it off, stop it.” Etc. But guess what they didn’t stop. They carried on. They were giggling uncontrollably and would not. 

Inside of me I felt my body tense up, I felt out of control, and it was terrifying. I luckily had enough sense to walk away and escape to my bedroom for a moment to make sense of what was happening. 

And I realized that I try to control others, and by doing that it makes me feel out of control. 

Fear is underlying my desire to be in control. 

I am scared when I’m not in control. So I work really hard to be in control, and its not pretty. 

I don’t have any big inspiring stories to share, just the real raw ones. 

So all I can do right now, is notice it. Stay tuned to see how it all turns out.