Why We Have Babies

My “baby” is going to full day pre-k in the fall and I want to curl up in a ball and cry.

I was talking to my girlfriend on Sunday when I realized that I won’t have a child at home for playdates during the day. I started to cry.

How can this be?

This makes me want to have another baby. But why? Oh I know, because I feel sad, so quick let’s have another baby so I don’t feel bad.

Come on Brooke, that’s not a very good reason.

Here’s another one for you…

I want another baby because I feel guilty. I spent the first two years of my baby’s life in a state of internal turmoil. My postpartum depression, and self sabotaging thoughts had me at my lowest point.

So when I think back to his time as a baby, I can hardly remember it.

That makes me feel pretty crappy inside. I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt that fills my body. It’s a heaviness in my chest, a weight on me that makes taking a breath hard to do. (*As I’m writing I am taking a moment to really check in with myself because all the feelings are coming up as I’m reliving these thoughts)

Is that good reason to have a baby?

Or what about every time I look at him and think “Did I do enough?” Or “Did I give him enough one on one time?” Again that guilt wants to drive me to make a decision.

I have this idea in my head (*Vulnerability time-judge if you’d like) that I need a “re-do”. Yup. I said it.

My brain wants to offer me that I screwed up so royally with my youngest that I should give it another shot. Yikes!

Mommas, guilt and sadness drive us to do crazy things. Like having more babies.

Now let’s flip this over for a moment and think about how we want to show up when we have baby’s on the mind. It’s such an interesting thing to think about. And honestly I’m not sure how to answer it. I’m sure it is such a different experience for everyone.

With my first it was just that natural excitement, and anticipation that drove me to that decision. With my second I would say the same thing. I was just so excited to expand my family, I was eager and kept popping them out. Even with my baby. But of course we have barren mommas who try and try and try and agonize, desperately desiring a sweet baby in their arms. It is all such a different experience for so many.

May I offer that a lot of times we desire a baby because of the emotion we think we will achieve by having one. Our brain seeks pleasure. We can’t wait to “FEEL” joy, or fulfillment or love. That is the emotion that drives us to have a baby. Our brain and body is seeking that emotion that we decide will come after having a baby in our arms. But I want to offer you that these emotions are available to us regardless of a baby in our arms or not. Our brain is just so convinced that the circumstance itself will guarantee us that emotion. Which isn’t always the case.

But now as I consider having another baby there is a shift. There is some mental baggage I have to work through before I can make a decision. We ALWAYS want to check in with ourself to see what kind of energy is behind our “why?”.

Why do you want another baby? It is such an interesting question and I wish I could hear all of your answers.

Why do us mommas have babies??

How do we determine when we are “done”? Sometimes life determines it for us.

This has been heavy on my mind and one thing is for certain. I want to have a baby because I want another baby (might I add another boy AND one day another teenager). I do NOT want a baby because I am feeling sad and guilty.

Mommas as women childbearing is one of our greatest unique contributions in the world. (** Disclaimer: not just women who child-bear, for all mommas I may add) It of course is an honor, privilege, sacred duty and responsibility that has been given to us. Be sure that the reason you chose to bring another beautiful soul into this world is from a place of just that. Goodness, glory and love. (**May I kindly add that ALL babies are an absolute miracle and blessing no matter how/when/why they come). I just want to directly talk to the mommas who are in a place of decision in regards to growing their family.

So there is all my crazy on having babies. I want you to get really clear on what feeling is driving your desire to make a decision. When we prepare for that beautiful decision to be made I personally want to feel clarity, peace and a whole lot of faith. I want to feel calm with a touch of knowing that what is meant to be will be. I am divine, my role and worth is infinite. I don’t need to prove anything to myself. Where I am today is where I was meant to be. The mother who falters, struggles, but rises to every occasion. The woman who continues to grow, learn and hurt. Are you with me??