How to Love a Cranky Man

I’ve spent most of my life trying to make the people around me happy. 

Being the youngest of five children I think I spent the majority of my childhood reading the people around me. I would run and hide when my dad was angry, I would notice when my mom was feeling sadness and feel sad too, I would especially get giddy and wildly excited when my siblings were happy and having fun.

I was a sponge.

I thought that was how life worked. The people around you are happy, so you are happy. The people around you were sad, so you were sad. Mad, mad. Angry, angry. Cranky, cranky. So on and so forth.

But it's not true.

I’ve heard this said so many times and it makes my skin crawl “You are only as happy as your most miserable child.”

What a powerless, miserable life we are signing up for then.

What about this, “we have ownership over our feelings REGARDLESS of how the people around us are feeling.”

When I was first married I carried that way of thinking with me I believed my husbands emotions were my responsibility. It sounds crazy to say it out loud but that was what I thought. 

I never knew what kind of mood my husband was going to come home in. Was he going to walk in telling jokes and stories (Phewww I could relax) or was he frustrated that his jeep has a clank in it when he drives and is going to be cranky all night. (ehhhhh rough night)

Other peoples emotions do not dictate your own!!! Did you know this? I sure didn’t.

Freedom.

Just because my husband is cranky doesn’t mean I have to be.

My emotions are just that, mine.

And his emotions are his.

I can love him regardless of what he carries home with him, from work.

I can love him especially when he is cranky.

I have loved to study men. I am not scared of any “rough and tough man” because I understand them.

An irritable and angry man is normally hungry for love (and maybe food). Hangry is a common word in our house (especially for me).

Its really interesting if you study anger. Anger is a secondary emotion, normally a person is first hurt, or scared but it’s easier for us to show anger, then to show disappointment or hurt.

Cranky men love to blame others for their emotions. (well all of us do, really) It is easier for them to blame us (the wife) for their unhappiness then to take responsibility for their own emotions.

Now this is sounding like I am pointing my big finger and shaking it at the men. I totally am not, I just want to share this with you because this has allowed my brain to understand what is going on in their brain, just enough to have compassion and be empowered with this knowledge.

If I knew that men (or the human race in general) blame others for their emotions, we are not the source of their emotions. That would have changed everything, early on.

Men can blame others for their emotions, then become angry, and what happens after anger…. Guilt and shame.

Thats why our sweet men start to pull themselves away. They distance themselves because they feel ashamed for what they have done, disappointed at themselves, and naturally withdraw.

We cannot make cranky men happy.

We cannot get cranky men to make us happy.

What they do doesn’t determine our ability to feel secure in our relationship or marriage.

All we can do is love them, allow them to have their own emotions and draw closer to them because we have the knowledge and understand that WE are not the reason they are unhappy.

I’m not afraid of a man who is quiet and withdraws. Not at all. I and comfortable being with them although they are not comfortable being with themself.

Thinking that way allows me to have any relationship I want with any person I want.

I can absolutely 1000% love my dad even when he is quiet, distant and miserable.

Honestly, that is our greatest gift we can give, is love. Love feels good for both parties. It feels good for me giving the love and for the receiver. Although the receiver might refuse it, or say that they don’t want it. That doesn’t matter.

I choose to love, everyday.

Rather turning away from a mans anger, we can turn towards him and help him through with love.

Opposed to feeling hurt that they are distancing themselves and do not make themselves present in our lives.

They are full of hurt, pain, shame. That doesn’t mean they don’t need love.