Ugly Scary Mom Emerged

My 8 year old is always telling me interesting facts like how Dolphins sleep with one eye shut and one eye open so they can find their way to the surface. I always ask him, “hey where did you learn that?” His response, “In a book”.  But I’m not talking about book smart here. I’m talking about the ugly, nasty, scary side of me I never knew existed that has emerged since this Son learned he has free agency. His sweet innocent soul, just trying to be a child who wants to learn, grow, and try new things has taught me what NOT to do. It is amazing to look at how I have grown as a parent. What I used to do with my 8 year old I wouldn’t even dream of with my 3 year old. 

I used to yell at my oldest son when he spilled something, well  actually I still do. (Out of habit) I used to scold my oldest son for telling me the truth when I asked him (now I see he lies because its easier than me yelling at him). I used to not give my oldest any choices now my youngest gets too many choices. 

It is easy to see how I have grown as a parent. BUT I could look at the past and shutter and tense up. Or I can look back on the years and notice how I have gradually changed through the choices and consequences of my decisions.

When I remind myself that ‘nothing has gone wrong here’. That we are designed to make mistakes, we are designed to reflect back and make changes based on previous experience it puts my mind at ease. 

We were designed to come to this earth and be challenged. One of the greatest challenges I’ve ever faced was with the title of “mother”. It has been the most trying experience of my life, with so many fails, ugly moments and growing pains. When I remind myself of that I feel this huge weight lifted off me. I feel light, and airy. I know that I am living the way I was destined to. I’m doing what I was designed to do, to struggle, to learn, to falter, to grow. And by doing this I am becoming the best version of myself along the way. 

8 year old sons are supposed to teach you all about yourself. But you have to be ready to listen.