When Your Kid Doesn’t Have Friends

My oldest son has told me multiple times that he doesn’t have any friends this year at school. 

There are two ways as mommas we can handle this. Let me give 

you alternative dimensions with the same circumstance. 

Alternative Dimension 1: 

I’m so sad for my son. He doesn’t have any friends, why doesn’t he have any friends? Does he not have good social skills? Is something wrong with him? I’m going to call the school and see if the teachers can do something. Maybe I’ll call the principle and see if she can make some arrangements so he gets to sit next to a different class at lunch so he has a chance to make new friends. I’ll take him to every school event, and sign him up for every sport so he has a chance to meet new kids and make friends. I’m feeling guilty, and anxious. I’m so worried about him when he goes to school and drill him with questions when he gets home? To my dismay I create opportunity for him to think that it’s a problem, and he begins to wonder if something is wrong with him? I project my thoughts and feelings on him, which results in him feeling sad and bad for himself where he withdraws and disconnects to any possibilities of making friends. 

Alternative Dimension 2: 

I hold space for him. I see that he is sad, but I’m not sad for him. I let him talk about it whenever he wants because it doesn’t make me feel anything. I love him and help him feel his disappointment in his own circumstances. He tells me that he just looks around on the playground and see who’s having the most fun and goes to ask them if he can play with them. I ask him what he has learned this year and he told me he doesn’t need a best friend to be happy. I let him navigate through his own challenges by loving him, not feeling bad for him. I continue to hold space for him through the school year which results in him building self confidence, self trust and opportunities for him to grow and thrive. (Even amongst feeling lonely) 

Do you see the difference? 

I didn’t. I didn’t know how my role effected my child. I thought a “good mom” (yuck I can’t even stand saying those two words together anymore) But I thought a “good mom” got involved, took over, didn’t let her kids feel sad. Did everything in her power to protect her child from sadness, disappointment, grief, loneliness or rejection. 

But I was wrong. 

My kid doesn’t have any friends, and its okay. 

He’s okay. 

The greatest thing we can do for our children is let them stand on their own two feet when challenges arise. Help them to build their own self confidence to decide for themselves how they want to approach a trial in their lives. Armor them with tools to fight the fights, not protect them from the fights all together. They are going to have a lot bigger problems in their lives than not having friends. This is when they learn how to empower themselves to overcome, grow and evolve into the greatest version of them!